I am not, as it turns out, English. I was born in the East coast of the United States and then, six weeks later (and much to my infant chagrin, I'm sure) my parents decided to pack up everything and relocate permanently to California. My grasp of the details is a bit sketchy, and in spite of protestations to the contrary, I can't help but think that some childish faux pas on my part caused some consternation amongst the denizens of the Eastern Seaboard; to the degree that my family had to book a flight to the other end of the continent with the hope that if they couldn't avoid the news spreading to the West coast, they could at least out-run it, get there first, and tell their side of the story before word of what had happened permanently tainted all of their business and social relationships.

I should mention at this point being born in the East, but raised in the West has some peculiar effects on one's brain.

Back to what I was saying earlier (before I so rudely interrupted myself); In spite of my deep, abiding respect for their culture, I am not English. Or even British for that matter. In point of fact, I am a rather tense, humorless individual, who enjoys routine and thrives on boredom. I should probably also mention, that the only honest to goodness English folks that I've ever met were both young, attractive raver kids. They both seemed to crave adventure and were often running around aimlessly, (but always at top speed) searching for something which they could consider "fun". I am nothing like these fine, upstanding examples of English culture.

Sure, I've seen countless TV shows and movies depicting staid, straight laced, English people, with tight unpleasant expressions on their English faces. But I've learned through personal experience that our media is essentially in the business of avoiding the truth at all costs, in order that we should be adequately amused (without actually being forced to get up off of our couches).

Perhaps my findings regarding the mien and behavior of your average English person are a bit skewed, due to the fact that I have had such a limited experience with them (in spite of the fact that I wanted very much to have a wider experience with one of the members of my sample group). But I refuse to blame myself: If large groups of English folks weren't swarming to little suburban towns in Northern California, rife with crappy restaurants and transplanted rednecks, well that could hardly be my fault.

So I hearby disclaim any English heritage that others will occasionally ascribe to me, based on the fact that I do not have the bearing or the mindset of the (what I understand to be,) vast majority of our friends across the pond. As far as I know I don't even have any English ancestors; not a single drop of British blood is to be found in my veins. I am, in fact, descended from a long line of very promiscuous people, who apparently traveled around the Continent quite a bit, but somehow never made it across the Channel.

To our friends just above, and a little to the left of Europe: Good luck in your future endeavors, I wish the best in... whatever it is you do over there. I would come for a visit, but, you know... I've, uh been busy. Tell France I said hi!

-B. C. Silvia