I've seen the best face that this country can put up; I've watched a lot of television. To be brutally frank, I think I'm ready to take up the challenge. America: Let me write your crap television.

In these modern times, television programs that would seem gauche and amaturish are being broadcast accross this great nation of ours. I'm not talking about sit-coms, no; I'm referring to reality television. A TV program without actors doesn't really seem like a good idea (especially to SAG), but what makes these programs really painful is the lack of scripting, not the lack of competent screen talent.

If anything goes to prove that "scripted reality" is funnier than actual reality it's Comedy Central's "Contest Searchlight". The valuable lesson of that show is that you can pack two season's worth of funny into six episodes of well scripted television fakery. In an actual reality TV series, hundreds of hours of video is shot, most of it as tedious as people's real lives, and it's up to the editor and director to put together the most coherent, entertaining 30 minutes that they can.

Don't be down on scripts just because most television shows are utter crap; and I'm certainly not suggesting that we do away with them. I'm just saying that instead of hiring actual, professional writers, maybe we should populate Hollywood writing teams with contestants and radio call-in contest winners. What's the worst that could happen? Just tell them that they can do whatever the hell the want, as long as they provide 22 minutes of dialogue every week. Watch the ratings, and then reward the ones that do well with trips to tropical islands (where they'll have to fend for themselves and meet a series of challenges before being voted off). But we must be sure to follow the precidents set in the treatment of their desperate actor wannabe counter parts: These people must never be allowed to work in television again.

I'm ready to step up to the challenge. Let me write your crap television. I promise not to hassle you with any of that "union" bullshit. And I won't even lock myself in the office bathroom with a bag of cocaine and a gun.

-B. C. Silvia