Our president recently revealed that he’s not a big fan of technology. No PDA, no PCS, no DTV, no piece of paper stashed in a desk drawer to remind him of what all of those acronyms mean – no fancy RadioShack® type toys at all?

This brings to light some troubling questions: Is our president incompetent? That is, is his mentally incapable of handling these fancy gadgets, some of which have instruction manual page counts reaching into the tens?

Does he hate technology? That would certainly explain his administration’s unwillingness to do anything to mitigate the huge job losses in the technical sector of our nation’s economy. Why should he care about people who design, support, or manufacture products that he never uses, and probably finds somewhat threatening? Let them rot! Let someone else point out the tremendous lack of patriotism indicated by the cavalier attitude most large companies have towards moving their jobs overseas. “In order to rebuild our economy, we’ve got to have huge tax cuts. Oh, but keep on moving those jobs to Southeast Asia, that’s cool,” he might as well say.

As we mentioned earlier in this essay, many of the devices that the president does not own are available at RadioShack®. Perhaps, he’s put off by the presence of formal football star cum professional joke-butt Howie Long in their marketing strategy? If so, he should just come clean on this point: God knows that America will be behind him 100%. (Howie Long probably is put off by his own appearance as well. Even if this is not the case, Howie’s opinions of himself are statistically insignificant anyway.)

On a more positive note, perhaps Mr. Bush’s reluctance to use email is because of the relentless attempts of direct marketers to sell us everything from boner pills to Nigerian money. We should be glad that our commander in chief is not spending a significant amount of his time deleting unsolicited ads for home equity loans. Worse yet, who wants to imagine our president receiving that . . . other kind of spam. Just think about Bill Clinton receiving all of those porn emails. Now think of kittens – quickly!

The worst part of this recent “no technology” revelation has to do with his public image; in our virulently sexist society, our president is supposed to be a “man’s man.” He makes a point of letting news crews tape him chopping wood at his ranch (his college cheerleading photos get much less circulation). Again, because our culture is so sexist, there are certain expectations that panderers must meet. It is the God-given right of every man to be obsessed with gadgets, just as it is the right of every woman to be allowed to make out with her girlfriend at a party after a few too many Lynchburg Lemonades. This admission could be seen as a blow to our president’s manhood.

All of these overheated explanations are missing the point, of course. The fact is that our president is far too rich to be interested in such proletarian items as cell phones and internet access. Rich people are not so tethered to their jobs as to require these things. Why would he need DirecTV? You just know that Comcast isn’t going to be busting the White House for using a “black box” anytime soon.

The point becomes even clearer when you consider what PDA’s and cell phones are for. PDA’s remind a person of important dates and organize contact information. Cell phones allow for communication while on the go. Certainly, the president has a throng of people around him at all times, constantly reminding him of his various commitments. Imagine how much easier it would be for you to remember appointments and birthdays if you had a toady whose job it was to do it for you. Well, get the top job in our federal government, and let the tax-payers foot the bill if you want that sort of convenience.

As far a cell phones are concerned – well, the office of president has had been in constant contact for well over fifty years. It’s part of the job: Kennedy knew when shit was going down, and he didn’t have a Nokia flip phone. Besides, Secret Service agents are still firmly ensconced in the middle-class. If the president needs to make a call, you can bet that Agent So-in-So is only too willing to eat the long distance charges; after all, it’s better than taking a bullet for the guy.

-B. C. Silvia