Human beings are a gregarious bunch, so it’s no wonder that free speech has been a hot topic since the ratification of the U.S. Constitution some 200 years ago. In that time, the pendulum has swung wildly from one extreme (the Sedition Act, 1798) to the other (campaign contributions as free speech). But finally, two important decisions regarding what constitutes protected speech have been made. The first, FOX News’s suit against satirist, Al Franken has been thrown out and, equally importantly, Arnold Schwarzenegger (a man who is otherwise rather slippery when it comes to political issues) has declared that egg throwing is free speech.

According to an AP Wire service report, Arnie was hit in the shoulder by an egg-wielding maniac during a campaign speech on September 3rd. That same report mentions that the candidate’s soiled jacket was removed, while he continued pressing the flesh. In that respect, it was incontrovertibly proven that egg-throwing is at least as effective a method of free speech as handing out pamphlets or cheaply made “zines”.

The intriguing thing is what Arnold said about the incident: “But this is all part of, you know, the free speech.” Indeed. It is also – how you say? a brilliant new definition of the boundaries of constitutionally protected speech. While there seems to be some indication that California’s potential next governor was joking, think of the brave new world that would be open to us all if he maintains this policy while in office. (Although he indicated that egg-based attacks should be accompanied with bacon.)

This possible new policy raises so many questions, the most obvious being, “Was the egg rotten or fresh?” But, more importantly, this could open up the slippery slope of further food based attacks on people running for public offices. While the U.K. has a tradition of public figures being accosted by people with comestibles (they even have something called the “Biotic Baking Brigade”), this is an element which has been missing from California politics.

When asked to compare European political discourse with its American counterpart, one is tempted to think that our Old World friends trend towards more civilized debates -- which brings us back to Al Franken. Content only to thoroughly research a selection of fallacies perpetrated by some media outlets and publish the results in a humorous, accessible format, he has completely ignored the pie-based efforts of his European compatriots.

Should the auguries of the polls turn out to be correct, Schwarzenegger will be the next governor of California. In that case, Franken should consider spearheading the “hit people with food” arm of the left, starting in Sacramento. In spite of his political affiliation, Arnie would not likely raise much opposition given his recent statements on the issue. No doubt, Franken would also garner a great deal of support from the egg producers of California as well.

If Arnold makes it to the governor’s mansion this fall, the voters of California should not waste this opportunity. The ballot initiative is well loved in this state for its ability to pass important (or absurd) legislation that the state government wouldn’t consider otherwise. Therefore, it is very important to get our new freedom to egg-throw enshrined in law before Arnie’s term expires.

There are definite benefits to this strategy. Many Californians are angry – the recall election itself is a sign of that. What they want is not necessarily a new governor, they want retribution; they want to see Gray Davis punished for what he has done (or failed to do). This whole recall mess could have been avoided with a well thought out, televised, public egging. Hold a lottery, sell the tickets for a buck (the infrastructure is already in place to do this), and allow a specific number of people with winning tickets to egg Davis on the steps of the capitol. Even with the cost of cleaning up the mess (the eggs would almost certainly be donated by local farms) the whole thing would be cheaper than the $53 million that recall is going to end up costing us.

More importantly, we’d all feel a lot better.

-B. C. Silvia