The non-stop action and thrills had to stop sometime. In the heat of the moment, many people did not anticipate the aftermath of the recall election. We here in California have been living with it for months – and it certainly felt like it went on forever. We’ve grown accustomed to the sheer unmitigated thrill of undoing a democratic election. Gray Davis was the J.R. Ewing of California; the man we loved to hate.

But now he’s gone, and people are starting to come down from the pure sweet high of ousting him. This is perfectly normal. After all, this was a unique moment in American politics. Sure, we’ve gotten rid of politicians before; but generally they were criminals. Even in the most famous case, the target of our ire resigned before we could throw the bastard out.

No, this time we decided to forcibly remove a man who hadn’t committed an actual crime. We just didn’t like him. So, the feeling of ragged anticipation is completely justified; after all, it normally takes armed combat in the streets to remove a sitting executive. Thankfully, we live in more enlightened times and have mastered the art of the bloodless, ballot box coup.

Unfortunately, some people are now finding themselves feeling a great deal of sadness. It’s the classic day after Christmas pattern: Anticipation, release, depression. The good news is that we now have effective treatments for post recall depression.

Many people feel that simply recalling Davis isn’t enough. After all, hatred is persistent, but don’t feel bad! Just because the man is out of office doesn’t mean that the hate has to stop! Governor-elect Schwarzenegger has got a lot of work to do – why some people have suggested that it would be impossible for him to get California out of the mess that it’s in the next three years. But, fortunately, every time he has to compromise you can think back on how much you hate Gray Davis and blame it all on him. Let that hate live on in your heart forever, and apply it to other aspects of your life, like when your company moves your job to India, or if your son reveals that he’s gay – damn you Gray Davis! There, doesn’t that feel good?

Perhaps you’re not so obsessed with removing Davis particularly; perhaps you just like invalidating elections. It’s a hell of a rush. The problem is it’s an expensive habit to maintain. In fact, you have to be a millionaire in order to pay for all of those signature gatherers, TV ads, and lawyers. Try starting a car alarm company – it works for some people.

If you don’t have the money, you might consider another method. Consider this: we were very lucky to have an opportunity to recall Davis. If it hadn’t been for Enron and other energy brokerage firms, California would not have had to endure a summer of rolling blackouts. If it hadn’t been for poorly funded federal programs for the state to administer, there might have been slightly more money in the budget. What if these two events hadn’t occurred? There might not have been the popular support required to fire Gray.

If you want to experience the joy of recalling the governor, we can’t leave these sorts of things to chance. We have to take steps now to guarantee that people will despise the governor enough to remove him in a hasty expensive manner. That means that we have to actually elect a man who’s unappealing from the very beginning.

If that’s the case, then it will save time to select our perfect candidate from a generally hated social group. Well, politicians aren’t exactly the most popular people in the world but they’re so damn slippery that they manage to keep office no matter what – we’ve proven this over the past 200 years of American governance.

What about lawyers? Yes, everyone hates lawyers (even lawyers hate lawyers, oddly enough). But a lawyer is just a baby politician. Many members of our current ruling class started out in the legal profession. Even so, it might be that the great American public doesn’t realize this, so electing a lawyer might still be the way to go.

But, we can go one better: Everybody, but everybody hates criminals. We can practically guarantee that our next governor will be recallable if we get someone who’s served time.

There is a perfect candidate out there. Sure, we’d have to get him moved to a federal penitentiary here in California, but it could be done. He’s a politician, and a liar, and a criminal. He’s mean spirited and ugly and has experience in working with lawmakers. If you want a sure-fire candidate whose recall would be absolutely preordained, you only have one choice. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the next governor of California: James Traficant!

-B. C. Silvia