Arguments over the meanings of words are nothing new. After all, every good debate begins by defining terms and definitions. Good politics often involves co-opting certain words and phrases for one’s own purposes. In fact, political parties have been providing handy-dandy vocabulary lists that their members can use to attack the opposition for years now. Just make sure to say your adversary’s name before or after the words on the “bad” list. And let’s not forget that highly important strategy of political debate: Your opponent might say one thing, but forget those words and explain to the people what he or she really means.

This sort of thing doesn’t just go on in politics of course; this week’s lexicographical grudge match is between two hallowed American institutions which otherwise wouldn’t have been mentioned in the same sentence: Merriam-Webster and McDonald’s. What is the bone of contention (or should we say, the boneless chicken nugget of contention) which has caused this unusual row? McJobs.

It’s a simple, common noun. Even though it’s never appeared in a dictionary (until now) you already know what it means. A moment of reflection will provide any culturally indoctrinated American with a vivid picture of its meaning, just from its very essence; unlike a word such as ennead, for example. It’s a good thing that you don’t really need a dictionary to determine what a McJob is – because McDonald’s doesn’t want you to be able to look it up.

Is McDonald’s claiming some sort of trademark infringement? Not yet. They’ve decided to take the moral high-ground by attacking Merriam-Webster’s definition of the word: A low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement. In fact, the chief executive of the fast food giant, Jim Cantalupo (a former city planner under Mayor McCheese) had declared that the definition is a “slap in the face” against all of his employees. Obviously, Mr. Cantalupo has never been accused of not taking his minimum wage job seriously enough. In fact, he’s probably never had to undergo a drug test for a job in which one is expected to work any shift at a moment’s notice because a certain counter-worker just has to have the day off so she can get that pregnancy test – the results of which the night manager seems especially interested in.

It should be obvious that the definition of a single, five-letter noun is the last thing that most food-service workers care about. Therefore, Mr. Cantalupo’s statement ranks as one of the most disingenuous quotes ever to appear in print. The chief executive’s statements also display a gross misunderstanding of what dictionaries are actually for.

The purpose of a dictionary is not to serve as the final arbiter of the English language (although many people use it for that). No, the purpose of a dictionary is to describe the language – as it is spoken. Merriam-Webster doesn’t invent new words; we, the speakers of the language, do that. Therefore, a when a commonly used word enters an “official” catalogue of the lexicon (a dictionary in other words) it’s not accorded some additional measure of authenticity. You might remember the old Schoolhouse Rock song about how a bill becomes a law; well, this is nothing like that. There’s no official line that a word has to cross before it becomes a “real word”. Dictionary editors add words after they enter daily usage (and of course they also catalogue words which you only learn at Harvard, too).

If I were to invent a word – “kaurange” for example (n. an artificial word designed specifically to rhyme with “orange”), that’s my business. But if you, your friends, and everyone you know start using it, it might become a “common” word. And if that happens, well then, it becomes Merriam-Webster’s business (although my old 6th grade grammar teacher might want to have a few words with me as well). At some point, they’d have to include it in their dictionary.

The fact that dictionaries merely describe the language that we speak, instead of enforcing it, means that McJobs belongs right where they editors of Merriam-Webster say it does. And we as a people will finally be able to say, without fear of retribution from the grammar police: are all of those jobs created last quarter high paying, permanent jobs? Or, are they merely crappy, little, soul-crushing, McJobs.

-B. C. Silvia