If it's not one thing, it's another. Just when everyone in the entire world started dropping pounds with Dr. A., we come to find out that our big, beefy key to weigh-loss just might kill us (without resorting to cholesterol-fueled heart attacks).

Of course, it's not just the elastic waistband set whose hearts are palpitating over this news (to be fair, they've been doing that anyway); the American beef industry is feeling the tug of the ol' bucking strap.

What's a great American industry to do when it's livelihood is threatened? Blame Canada. As many have suspected, all of America's problems are caused by other countries. While we haven't had a lot of evidence to back it up, until now, Americans have always been slightly suspicious of our little northern sister. Now, we have something substantive to accuse them of, rather than the usual weak offenses often cast at their feet. Canada, like any good suspect on CSI, strongly denied the allegations, at least until the DNA tests came back from the lab.

Still, they're so polite, it's hard to stay mad at them.

So never mind that our neighbor to the north might be the source of tainted beef. After all, they speak English up there (mostly. Still, there's more English speakers per square mile in Quebec than in Los Angeles). And, as many prominent Americans will be happy to tell you, Canada is not the enemy; they might be purveyors of poisoned food, but at least they're not stealing our jobs.

In fact, Canada is no more to blame than the American ranchers who failed to detect BSE infected cows, and think that it's ok to feed us animals that can't walk. And, to be fair, India, the Philippines, and other foreign countries aren't to blame for American companies who just really want to send American wages over-seas. But, darn it, we've licked obesity without having to moderate our food intake or exercising – why can't we find solutions to our national issues without, you know, admitting that it's our fault?

Perhaps the Atkins philosophy can be expanded to the political arena. Wouldn't it be lovely to be able to solve all our problems by over- indulging in the sorts of practices that most so-called "rational people" refer to as self-destructive? Well, it would be impossible of course; not to mention incredibly irresponsible. But it's a platform that might just get you elected. Are you listening, Mr. President?

-B. C. Silvia
-1/7/2004