Last election, the "hot voter demographic" was the Soccer Moms; this time, it’s NASCAR Dads. While they may be the ones casting the vote, it seems like the demographic that should have the most political say is the children of Soccer Moms and NASCAR Dads. We’re apparently passing the national deficit on to these schmucks, which means robbing their social security and taxing the hell out of them. We’re also using up all of their oil, establishing bullies in every other country on earth, and making damn sure that they’ll all be Christian, wholly Christian, and nothing but Christian.

Naturally, wanting these kids to grow up good’n’proper, we were forced to install rigid national morality programs (hey, they are the future, right?). We had to protect them from the foul language of rap lyrics because children are clearly too fucking stupid to realize that they are simply words. Restriction of violent video games like Grand Theft Auto III became necessary, as every toddler in America began hiring prostitutes to increase their health. An errant Super Bowl teat exposure and Mike Ditka’s erectile dysfunction ad successfully reminded the young people that the human body is a Temple of Everlasting Shame. And now, the Red State Folk are in the midst of battling the last great immorality, that evil empire that hopes to corrupt our youth. I refer, of course, to those pesky fags.

The Sin Destroyers have a lot to contend with: thousands of gay marriages, endless press coverage, countless lawsuits, and hordes of state statutes, not to mention a potential constitutional amendment. But the real challenge before these God-fearing missionary-positioners is the stifling of "the gay agenda." Apparently, any mention of homosexuals—-or even the basic acknowledgement that homosexuals do, in fact, exist—-is considered to be blasphemous propaganda, similar to those conniving evolutionists.

Think that’s malarkey? In Wilmington, North Carolina, a school committee has voted to place a children’s book entitled King and King—-a fairy tale about two kings falling in love—-under lock and key in the libraries (it should be noted that "lock and key" is meant literally). The book will only be made available to adults, and was supposedly ordered "accidentally." Why not just get rid of it? Book-burnings are due for a comeback.

Admittedly, this was a book designed for very young children, and some parents aren’t yet ready to explain such "complex" issues to their progeny. Apparently this problem extends even to not-so-young children: The parents of 7th graders in Camarillo, California, for instance, have complained to their school board because a teacher discussed his homosexual marriage with his class. The flaw with their argument is that the teacher didn’t offer this information; his students blatantly asked him about his marriage to another man. Afterwards, they stood and applauded him-—a clear indicator that they’ve become flamboyant sodomites. (The unfortunate postscript is that the teacher has since filed complaints against two coworkers for "outing" him to his class. Having seen the prissy gentleman on CNN, let me assure everyone that this news came as no great shock to his students.)

And what about those kids that have already "turned" gay? We can’t ship them ALL off to the Harvey Milk School, so how do we keep them from infecting the rest? They could be grouped together into one classroom, kind of like the special-ed weirdos. Or, better yet, what if we just cured them? Thankfully, that’s where Exodus International comes in. How do they do it? "EXODUS upholds redemption for the homosexual person as the process whereby sin's power is broken, and the individual is freed to know and experience true identity as discovered in Christ and His Church." Sin’s power, the human spirit—-hey, whatever you gotta break to get the job done.

Then there’s the unthinkable: kids who aren’t even ashamed to be gay. Clearly they, too, must be destroyed, but by whom? Enter Pastor Fred Phelps, the determined leader of the Westboro Baptist Church and creator of GodHatesFags.com. Pastor Freddie likes to remind gay youth where they stand; in this case, at the threshold to hell. He celebrates Matthew Shepard’s death, protests anywhere he can find a homosexual, and recently started picketing schools who provide support groups for gay teens.

Pastor Fred is doing his part for vaginal sex. Are you?

In closing, consider the following anecdote: In 1212, a visionary French peasant boy named Stephen of Cloyes rounded up a bunch of other children and formed his own religious crusade. This poorly-planned Children’s Crusade, as it is known, left Marseilles determined to reclaim the Holy Land; not surprisingly, the children were instead all sold into slavery.

At first glance, the moral of this hilarious anecdote seems to be that these children were really, really stupid (or completely blinded by religious zeal—you be the judge). But for every kid that hooked up with Stephen and ended up a slave, there were plenty of kids who said, "Hell no, I’m not going on a crusade with you, you damned idiot." Those kids were the smart ones, and there are lots of ‘em still around. Forcing your morality and your restrictions and your homophobia on your kids is generally ineffective, unless you’re hoping to make them resent you.

Just remember, they’re the ones that will be picking out your nursing home..

-Alexander Webb
-3/31/2004