This is a message from your friends at Right-Orifice Ministries

Every good parent worries about his or her son. But do you worry that your son might be a little too... different? Does he lock himself away in his room, reading books, instead of wholesomely grappling with his friends out on the football field? Does he prefer watching ice skating to watching NASCAR? Is he often picked on at school by the children of those people who you'd like to get to know a lot better? Do you hear strange and disturbing sounds coming from his room at night? Sounds that seem to resemble the voice of John Stewart? If so, your son may be – a Liberal!

The first thing to remember is – don't panic! Thanks to new, ground-breaking research, pioneered by Arnold Schwarzenegger, that links Liberal ideas to homosexuality, there is now hope for your child After all, we here at Right-Orifice Ministries have been able to cure at least two homosexuals, via an exhausting program of shame, prayer, and wilderness survival training. It therefore stands to reason that we can turn your son away from the sins of Progressivism and towards the holy light of Conservative dogma in much the same way that we have so successfully browbeaten the gay out of a few filthy sodomites.

Imagine being free of the overwhelming shame and guilt that comes with having a son who registers as a Democrat. Imagine the sense of pride that you could be feeling as your son gives an impassioned defense of supply-side economics at your next dinner-party. And, as you grow into old age, wouldn't you rather have a son who spends long nights planning campaign strategies with slim-hipped Young Republicans, than one who teaches creative writing at Berkeley? Now you have the power to choose your future!

For a small fee, we will take your son to our group living community in East Texas. From there he will be moved to our compound in southern Florida. (We originally thought that simply living in Texas would be enough to cure Liberals. At first we thought our results were astounding – unfortunately, it seemed that many of them had simply gone "in the closet" in order to avoid being savagely beaten, and many returned to their perverted ways after leaving the program. We won't make that mistake again.)

When he arrives at our camp, our counselors will immediately lock your son into his tiny, one-room cabin. Don't worry – if there's a fire, we'll let him out. Each cabin is fitted with state of the art surveillance equipment, and our staff will make sure to watch your son 24 hours a day, both for his safety and to spot any uncorrected Liberal behavior that he might engage in when he thinks that he's "alone".

Campers will be awoken at the crack of dawn by the sound of Leviticus being read over the loud-speaker. (Our version of Leviticus replaces references to perverted sexual acts with references to perverted political beliefs – an act that Alan Keyes assures us is not blasphemous, since there is a one-to-one moral correlation. Although if anybody reading this knows the ancient Hebrew words for "pinko," "commie,"or, "tax-and-spend," please let us know.)

Next, four of our counselors will attempt to cure your son's Liberal tendencies with a technique we refer to as "Prayer Therapy", in which we hold him down, and invoke the power of the Lord to drive the demons of perversion away from him. Although it might seem a little "rough", please take comfort in the fact that we've had very few campers suffocate during this process (we're more careful than some people we could mention.)

If that doesn't work, we invite Ted Nugent to shoot arrows at your son. Again, there's no cause for concern here: Ted is an excellent marksman, and eats everything he kills.

We're willing to spend as long as it takes to cure your child. At least until he's 18, at which point you're on your own. As a last resort, we are willing to act as a broker should it become necessary to bribe him with vast quantities of cash in order to keep him from going public with his sick Liberal lifestyle. Hey, we're a church: it's not like we pay taxes or anything. For a nominal fee we can make your hush money look like a charitable contribution.

Right-Orifice Ministries makes you this promise: We can cure your Liberal child using the same techniques we perfected on the sons and daughters of paranoid homophobic rich people. Aren't your shallow bigotries worth entrusting your child to live with a bunch of folks you don't really know all that well out in the woods, where their hypothetical screams will go unheard by any hypothetical law enforcement personnel? Think about it, won't you?

-B. C. Silvia
-9/15/2004