There are many things in this world that just aren't as good as they used to be. People seem less friendly, music is becoming more and more homogenized and bland--even sex has become so routine that a full 99% of the Internet is required to contain the various esoteric fetishes that have proliferated in response to it. But, it gets even worse. Has anybody else noticed that going to the movies just isn't much fun anymore?

Statistics, unreliable as they are, seem to confirm the fact that people just aren't heading out to the theater as often as they once did. Even as studios and theater chains continue to hold out for a hero to come along and save them, occasional bumps in earnings cannot disguise the fact that the great American experience of, "going out to a movie," is dying.

Movie industry representatives say that their audience is drying up because, rather than heading to the local cineplex, the movie-watching public is spending its hard-won leisure time huddled around eye-burning computer screens to view grainy, low quality versions of Hollywood's latest output instead. Although piracy may be a factor in declining box office earnings, now might be a good time to mention that concrete notions of reality are about as likely to exist in movie studio boardrooms as things like genuine human kindness or 18th century French generals.

As usual, the corporate media giant is trying as hard as it can to blame their own customers for its problems. What's unusual is that they're right, but not for the reasons that they think.

People aren't giving up movies, but they are literally staying home in droves. The rise of the home theater is offering folks the opportunity to watch films in solitary comfort. And who could blame them? Your local theater—for all its modern conveniences, big screens, and digital projectors—is a shit-hole. Go on, go over there and have a look around; just don't wear your new shoes.

Roughly every two hours the screening rooms are filled with restless, apathetic, and belligerent crowds, lightly demolished, thoroughly soiled, and then emptied, only to have the process repeat itself. Roman gladiatorial combat had audiences with better deportment. In fact, if it weren't for the basic sense of decorum that manifests after the house lights come back on, the traditional rush to the bathroom to empty one's bladder would not occur.

As if the low-quality of the average American block-buster weren't enough of a hint, audience behavior proves that the theaters of this country have been taken over by people who could care less about movies. Whatever it is that they're looking for, the film they're paying to see isn't it. (Maybe they're just looking for a place to use their cell phones.)

There is, of course, nothing we can do about this. Any theater willing to enforce common courtesy and decency would quickly go bankrupt and—probably—be burnt to the ground by the angry parents of hyper-active, movie-destroying toddlers.

The good news is that movies are doing just fine. DVD sales and rentals, merchandising, and television rights are probably going a long way to make up of for the lackluster box-office performances of most films. Although the movie industry is notoriously secretive about their earnings from such sources, the ready availability of DVDs in gas stations and dollar-stores through-out the country is significant.

Pity instead the poor theater operators. The independents have been fighting for their lives against the proliferation of chains for so long that, from their perspective, it's as if the studio system never actually ended. But now, even corporate theater franchises can see dark clouds on their horizons. Whether or not the food-service industries will be able to absorb all the displaced theater-workers does not seem to be a concern for the movie studios.

One thing is certain: Pretty soon—probably within your own life-time, in fact—"going to the movies," will come to mean that you're heading over to a friend's house for the express purpose of not having a conversation. And just like that, dating becomes even more of a pain in the ass.

-B. C. Silvia
-6/22/05