Yes, I’m the guy.

Whenever TNT or TBS or USA (or any cable network that long ago lost its guiding philosophy and became the same as all the other UHF-level basic cable stations), shows the same movie ten times in one weekend people ask, why? Why are they showing a movie that everybody has either seen in the theater, on DVD, or HBO? Has anybody not seen The Matrix Reloaded by now?
Yes. I’m the guy.

I hate going to the theater. As an experience, it’s really got nothing to offer me: my legs are too short to kick the seat in front of me with any kind of satisfying force; my voice is too weak and reedy to really obscure plot-critical sections of dialog; my cell phone doesn’t get a good signal in the theater; and I have no children to let loose to run free like animals between the seats, defecating wherever they please. In other words, none of the reasons to go to the movies that apparently appeal to everyone else in the theater really applies to me. So that’s not an option.

I’d rent movies, but I suffer from a condition known as “Video Store-Related Dementia.” Whenever I walk into a Blockbuster, no matter how firmly I am set on picking up a particular movie, I get two feet into the building and lose control of my mental faculties. Wandering aimlessly through the isles, I inevitably walk out with some unbelievable piece of shit from the mid-eighties, shot on recycled videotape, that I’ll also wind up returning 11 months late.

That’s why people like me watch movies on basic cable. But this is not ideal. First of all, they’re heavily edited. Second, with all of the commercials, they all wind up being, like, three hours long. It’s kind of mentally grueling, actually. A few months ago I watched A Bridge Too Far on AMC, and by the end of it, I was exhausted. It took something like six hours to get through the whole thing, thanks to the commercials.

I’d watch more movies on TV, but frankly, I often don’t have the energy. That’s why they get played so often on the weekend.

Say I start watching Scream 2 on Saturday morning, around 10am. Okay, but I’ve got work around the house to do so I wander away from the living room and miss 90% of the movie. Fortunately, I’ve got roughly 47 more chances to check it out in the next two days.

So it’s me. I’m the guy.