Castro says he feels energetic, stronger:
And here we thought that the U.S. embargo against Cuba included things like the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. Or, maybe after he was “barely alive” his doctors… rebuilt him?
Prince Charles says ban McDonald’s food:
Such a policy would surely improve the British diet, by forcing people to return to such healthy cuisine as fish and chips, deep-fried Mars bars, and chip butties. Have an extra lump on us, Charlie!
Calif. diocese plans bankruptcy filing:
Though this is probably due to having to pay out a ton of money on sexual abuse lawsuits, one imagines that the idea of a religious organization going bankrupt must have Ayn Rand laughing her ass off… in Hell.
Amtrak struggles with late trains:
Amtrak’s projected new slogan: “Hey, you ever hear of a little company called JetBlue? Yeah, so shut up and wait!”
Match.com to announce overseas expansion:
Match-making sites make their bread on a very narrow demographic: people who are relationship material, but for some reason aren’t in a relationship. This overseas expansion obviously means that nobody in this demographic is left in the United States.

