John Scalzi learned a thing or two about himself this weekend, while playing some old Star Wars games. Mostly, he learned that he makes for a somewhat sadistic Jedi:

Now maybe this isn’t what Jedi are supposed to do; maybe it’s not what Yoda would do. But, you know. The hell with Yoda, that lousy grammar-slaughtering salamander.

Man, the Dark Side really is seductive. But, fair enough – maybe Yoda isn’t really the best role model for our modern age. The concerns of an immensely old Muppet Jedi may not apply to you and I. Let’s take a closer look.

Scenario 1: You’ve been tasked with training a new employee who has the potential either to be a great asset to your company;or to learn just enough to defect to your competitor, and thus become a serious threat to your business’s wellbeing.

What would Yoda do? Following the Jedi Master’s example from The Empire Strikes Back, you should somberly refuse to undertake the young employee’s training at first. Wait until you hear a disembodied voice from beyond the grave to make a heartfelt plea; only then should you agree to educate your new charge. Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t menace him a little, first.

Scenario 2: A trusted former member of your social organization has stabbed you in the back (figuratively), spreading rumors and working against your interests. The time has come to confront this person, who has hurt many of your friends’ feelings, and is, in general, kid of a patrician asshole.

What would Yoda do? It’s quite obvious at this point that the only possible course of action is to light saber his butt back to the stone-age, until he gives up and runs away. Unfortunately, laser sword technology is not as readily available these days as it once was long ago in other galaxies. The closest thing we’ve got (that’s available to the average consumer, anyway) is the humble laser pointer. They are, generally, not very effective as weapons. Still, you might be able to use one to scare off your opponent if you fill the room with smoke and prog rock first.

Scenario 3: A former student has turned up for a visit, claiming that you haven’t actually finished teaching him yet. You vaguely remember telling him not to leave in the first place, lest he face catastrophic consequences which, as it turns out, were not quite as bad as you’d thought they’d be. It suddenly occurs to you that you don’t have a damn thing left to teach the young whippersnapper.

What would Yoda do? Die. Probably of embarrassment. “Vader killed you not? Also, turn not to the Dark Side, did you? Rescued your friends in an afternoon from deadly peril I warned you of? Nothing left have I to teach you, I guess, Mr. Jedi-pants!”