I’ve got some time off coming soon, and I’m at a bit of a loss on what to do with it. I know, I know, these are the problems you want to have. But left to my own devices, I’m sure I’ll just wind up doing what I always do – sit around the house and sleep too much. A friend of mine suggested that I use this opportunity to see a movie or two. I know he was trying to be helpful, but movie theaters and I do not mix well.

I’m not sure why that is. Some might suppose that I’ve seen too many lousy movies at ridiculous prices, and it’s made me bitter about the whole experience. Perhaps I’ve been hurt before, and I’ve lost the ability to trust – perhaps I’ll never love (the cinematic experience) again. But, no. The thing is, I’ve never actually seen bad movie in the theater (except once, but I’ll get back to that).

Not a single bad movie (bar one)? That seems statistically unlikely. I saw Indy 4 at the theater for god’s sake. Maybe I have really bad taste? Indubitably, but I’ve certainly rented terrible movies; I’ve watched them on TNT; I may not have taste, but I am certainly capable of having absolutely no fun while watching films I consider subjectively terrible. No, no, my inability to dislike any movie that I see in a theater has something to do with the combination of me and the entire theater-going experience.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I am not a rational man. I’m easily influenced, prone to rationalization, and avoidant of feelings of failure. Given these (fairly common, I’ll admit) traits, it all starts to make sense.

If I go to a movie, paying out the nose for tickets and popcorn, and if that movie turns out to be terrible, my brain will refuse to hold these two facts simultaneously. Upon finding myself snared by the filmmaker’s trap, I simply refuse to believe that I’ve been caught.

“Hey,” thinks the three-pound block of Swiss cheese floating around in my skull, “I paid a lot of money to see this film! It must be good, or else I’m an idiot, right? Also, this popcorn is delicious!”

I seem to have a lot of trouble admitting that I’m wrong about things – but this is where I’m especially bad at that. Which is stupid, granted. What’s the big deal? Movies are expensive, sure, but it’s not like that mistake I made with the Thunderbird with the bad transmission or anything. For some reason, I perceive the possibility of going to a terrible movie as a risk far out of proportion to the reality. I don’t even think studio executives feel this much trepidation when it comes to financing the film deals that ultimately result in bad movies.

The fact that I’ll have a good time no matter what bullshit I witness on the silver screen just makes the fear even worse, because I can’t shake the sense that all this cognitive dissonance is doing something horrible to my brain.

My only hope is the fact that there was one moment, one movie that I knew was junk whilst viewing it at the theater. I knew, not ten minutes into the film that I was watching some of the worst filmmaking I had yet come across. But I am reluctant to say what it was – it’s just too easy to rag on this film. Everybody does it, and even I think it’s not worth mentioning the title just so I can have a cheap laugh.

Oh, it’s very famous. It’s widely renown for its badness.

And so are the other two.