To: [Redacted]

From: Boyd Carter, Analyst, Human Interaction Research Center

Subject: Annual Misinterpretations Report

Dear, [Redacted]:

I hope the new year is treating you well, so far. Please find the attached report, prepared in accordance with the option package for your current membership level. Please note that many more features are available at higher subscription levels.

Failed Interaction Report For The Previous Year

Section 1 — Ways you have been misinterpreted:

January 1: Due to a temporary failure in your ability to modulate your voice, the statement, “I hope you have a happy New Year,” was interpreted by the convenience store clerk to whom you were talking as sarcasm.

March 10: Because you seemed unwilling to describe the fine details of your intestinal flu, and the subsequent anal leakage that followed, when you called in sick to work, your supervisor believed that you were faking an illness.

July 4: Your refusal to attend a neighbor’s bar-b-que, due to your assumption that he was only being polite, because you’re pretty sure that he doesn’t really like you, was interpreted as a kind of haughty arrogance. Essentially, he thinks that you think that you are better than him. Also, you are correct: He genuinely doesn’t like you, and you should feel grateful to have been invited.

October 12: When informed by a co-worker about the death of her grandmother, your response, “That’s awful,” was seen as a rebuke of her choice of office-appropriate conversation topics, rather than the attempt at commiseration that was intended. While her reaction may seem nonsensical, we remind you: Her grandmother had just died. Don’t be so judgmental.

Thanksgiving: The symptoms of your lack of sleep over the past week were seen by your family members as evidence that you were high on drugs.

Christmas: Your emotionally flat aspect convinced everyone who bought you presents this year that you hated the things they got for you.

Multiple Instances: Your need to avoid conflict was interpreted as a desperate desire to be liked.

Multiple Instances: Your attempts at being polite were interpreted as signs of sexual attraction towards those that you were interacting with.

Continuous: Your low self-esteem was widely regarded as an egomaniacal arrogance.

Recommended Course of Action:

This section is not available at your current membership level (Alienated Prole). To receive this option, you must have a membership level of Burgeoning Recluse, or higher. Of course, we recommend that all of our customers upgrade to at least the Dostoyevskian Neurotic level, in order to take advantage of our most exclusive services. It’s the only way to know what’s truly wrong with you, and how to fix it-something an idiot like you could never figure out on your own.

Conclusion:

You don’t seem to like yourself much, but others think that you do.

Sincerely yours,

Boyd Carter